Lost myself somewhere

Especially when you're under pressure. I'm having trouble getting the right words out of my mouth at the right times. Its like cat got your tongue but worse, because the words aren't there either. I don't know why this has come along so suddenly but its like all of a sudden I've lost complete self confidence. I am constantly worried that people will think I'm an idiot, that my partner will think I'm an idiot, and that everone else around me is just - smarter. I realized that I wrote about "imposter syndrome" over a year ago, and here I am, writing about the exact same thing like 1.5 years later.. its like I'm crawling inside myself when i'm on a zoom and i'm trying to find the words and i'm trying to be bright and funny and witty but i cant get to that part of me. its like its stuck inside of me somewhere. i used to have the easy button in alcohol but now that is gone. I am trying my best here but the pressure is getting to me I think and I don't know what to do about it. I have so much shit going on that its hard to keep it all straight in my head and I wish so badly I could just riff off the cuff but its like its not there. my memory is shot when i go into these episodes and so maybe its meditation that can get me there, maybe its exercise, maybe its a combination of the two. I dont know. I All I know is i feel like I'm going to crack and I'm praying to God for some relief, for some "easy does it", to my higher power, I dont know, I just know that I need help right now. please higher power, please help me get through this, i'm not feeling well and i'm not feeling good about myself and i want to be the best version of myself. thats not me right now. i just feel like i've lost a part of myself - a lightness - some joyfulness - some easiness - i can't get to it. i dont know what to do.